Ask yourself how much do you judge to prematurely protect yourself. This might serve to mitigate the defensiveness and help build a more positive climate. In my practice, I foster a collaborative exploration in which I ask directing questions; questions which require you to look deep inside, and determine what your crutches are. There is a point at which, if you both feel seriously about each other, you will meet each other's friends and family. Defensive Communication Is defensive communication necessary? Conclusion Stubbornness and defensiveness are some of the worst, most grating personality traits to have, yet they are incredibly common.
The third and last step is to address the verbal attack in an objective way until the attacker also calms down. If you are being accused of doing something that is not true or a decision is being attacked, you can defend them. Then what's hard about just saying that? However, the problem lies in that many people misconstrue what being attacked really is and therefore feel themselves being attacked much more frequently then they actually are. I have been through this before, but a different. Nonetheless, it is true that you lost track of time. Not having it means we will not be able to secure funding for project xyz. As the chemistry of the honeymoon phase shifts, a second kind of circuitry emerges, one that is about sustainable connection.
The problem is all people are vulnerable. . I'm sarcastic by nature, regardless of the situation, so I don't really feel that's a sign of defensive behavior. The established Church was extremely defensive to new ideas from both Galileo and Darwin, for example. However, as you may have seen, in these situations, a well meaning defense can quickly turn into a battle where each side is unwilling to give in. Now because of my wife i am working hard. Try a bargain matinee movie or an early meal at a restaurant.
The chart below can help you determine if you or them are the cause of their defensiveness. Most often you feel the bad piled up erasing any possibility of good. This means listening, but it goes even beyond that. Rest are colleagues, acquaintances, networking, society. People who are not guilty will usually laugh it off or let you know in a nice way that you are being a little over emotional but keep a look out for those that are defensive when asked a question as they might be guilty of what you suspect. It can be very painful to learn the details of your dark or shadow side.
They lack a heart and do not have a desire to change. It is an attachment to their decision, and a tendency to resist change in general. Yes, being with someone who is so reactive to innocuous comments can be quite frustrating. This can soften the blow of the criticism, thus priming your mind to be more receptive to it. If this sounds like you, it will take more of an effort to remove the crutch and change this behavior.
What is Defensiveness and how does it happen? So you occasionally feel great and on top of the world and the good erases the bad. For example, any major life decisions of yours may warrant some stubbornness. After going through this silent redirection of your thinking, verbally take responsibility for your contribution to the problem. Supervisor with serious face : I understand the payroll problem had to be fixed, but I was counting on you to finish the report I asked you to complete by today. When you do, you make the mistake of choosing to plead your case in an imaginary court of law with a judge and jury of one. I know that they have something to hide.
When we become defensive we are more concerned with self-protection than effecting a connection with the other person. Instead of becoming defensive try to understand where your partner is coming from. Is defensiveness a form of 'control freakery' in some people? Almost left him because I felt he didnt care about my hurt because he would comfort me or tell me words that would assure me that he was sorry and that it wouldnt happen again. Feelings are not evidence of fact though we all lose sight of this truism. This lack of assertiveness is one of the reasons Do other people get defensive when you talk? And sometimes a simple question is in fact a veiled attack.
At the moment of perceived attack, the attacker becomes our enemy. Stubborn people are driven by a resistance to being forced into doing or experiencing anything against their will. If you like purple buy socks that color or paint your closet. This can happen all too easily. It would be all right except it is a family member. Acknowledge that you are defensive and work on treating it as a problem. The emotional consequences of over-defensiveness include anxiety, doubt, trepidation, indecision, and regret.